(no subject)

Noting my luck this post will totally be deleted by this app. Maybe I will try to copy and paste if need be, one of Ryan's brothers sent me a song and I listened to it enoguh to want to sing it to my computer which I did, I consider it a step in the right direction to get get drunk at sing at my computer. That's normal in my book.

In some ways I feel like this song speaks to me and Ryan. In my own private deviant way, which I have never truly hidden from this ljournal. Far more to Ryan I suppose since he is the one who had to go for real. My tolerance for pain is high, but I think things are going to turn around, I'm going to help william achieve his dream, maybe fulfil a dream of my own, live a little. I know the rules, and I know they don't really ever have applied in the past to me either, I just knew how to work the system to get around them. Look how far I've come, now that's guaranteed,

I think with all my heart that if Ry could have sheltered down it would have been with me, but he lived. He packed a lot in in 36 years. We packed a hell of a lot in the X amount of years we were together, I regret nothing.

Anyway I sang this cause one. Of his brothers felt like Ryan wanted me to hear it. I hear it baby, and I get it.

i guess i should add that before life beat it out of me i used to like to sing to my comupter... and record poetry. it came back tonight.

you know i think there is a bit of un-understandable in all of us. maybe thats where our uniqueness, our magic comes from. the little deviant in us all. 



(no subject)

The day started oddly with a a strage lucid dream of reaching for my hair spray and butaine torch just so I could see a flame but I didnt have the motor function in my hands to make it happen. I dont know how real it was but I know I was reaching for it. I think I just had my phone. No hair spray is near my bed first and foremost.

I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed. It is the 13th. Afterall truman capotes eceentic aunt didnt get out of bed on any 13th. Its rather like william. I called him from bed to see if he was on the deck which he was. I got up and went out there. We had black coffee.

I got to thinking about an old jaz song Sit down and write myself a letter. It made us feel jazzy like Williams grandmother he remarked. We decided to have an open speak easy on FB just to get us up and moving and we cleaned and cleaned.

I worked out at boxing hittting the bag extra hard. I can feel my muscle now and like it.

Mike K brought over a whole ham the other day and ribs today. I think someone tld him they saw me at manna house. AA homeless people get around and they all know me. I wanted to not spend money on fresh things till pay day. Pay day came and I paid my bills that I could...went and got catfood, liiter, pizza and booze. sounds good to me. Fuck everything else. Oh and there is still enough to fill up the elantra.

My student passed his first quizz. I was happy. I been crying over Ryan so much I invited him to our cocltail party also and set a beer out for him. I think he would like that. Williams mom too.

Jazz Perfection fats waller aint misbehaivin

(no subject)

been thinking alot of this song lately. one of rys bros yhought it gely like ry was laying it on his heart. i was in a good mood rarliet but it fltpped somwhere.

im watching hell on wheels. the knew season is up. its what ryan wanted to watch that last fateful night on our midmight walk.

how could he have done this. so smart and sweet. i cant wait to work on his anthology. i wish i could be knocked ouf till tomoforrow.

i went kick boxibg but the sadness has been hanging over me for days. who wants to record that in their journal. i) get up in thr morning and do it all over again.

this song sounded positive to me today. like he eas saying im alive and hsppy in ny next life. i just get sad at night. full on emo i suppose. why did i have such a turn of feelingd.

Eddie Vedder
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On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
So it goes

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering
But I'm never what they thought
Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees
They're singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

Written by Eddie Vedder • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

all my mixed cds are nasty and sad so we thought it would make a gteat name for a strip club...nasty sads.   like ....i just got home from nast sads

im so tires from chasing Humbug around. he is going to be the masvot yo our arcade.


(no subject)

All in all today was a win, I got my student totally ready for cleassed books, accomodations, and all at calhoun, I even saw my old friend who is a giudence counselor that was inspired by him. Ive been sad tonight folks.

Over Ryan, over Dr. Trehub. Mr, Auburns father,

Ive been trying to stay busy with getting my student squared away at calhoun. I anticipate having enough money to pau the first round of bills but Im not really sure. I wish I could go to the ocean for a couple days and regroup.

What id I faiul my student,. I wasnt even even a good student but afteert eaching and and being on both ends,. My studnet is really smart. I just need to help him stay organized, I am not even good at organizing but I have a plan,

Last night I woke up instantly thinking I heard a voice clear at me like clear their thraot. I got up andtuened off all the lights though I was glad they were on,

Im so sorry babby I was just to young and inexperienced to handle things.

He had such a big beautoful heart. I still have pics from actuall camerals that I have to download, I need to do that for natalie.

god he was beautiful and were so happy till adfictions took over. i hate addiction.

flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

we have discovered that greyden will respond to asshole.

if you call him Gracie or Grayden he wont look up but he will if you say hey Asshole.

maybe we should call him asshole grayden.

1yesterday me and will dug up the waterline leak, took pictures to lowes and fixed it. i was scared but we did it.


My Rebel

I'm going to take my sweet rebel with me always.
Going in to 2017 Ive got nothing but friends that are my family and a space ship to mercury, and dreams. I'll take it too. A fresh start, new memeories, keeping the old and making new.


The cowboy has always been a dying breed, but he takes his dying slowly, perched upon his steed. The prairie is his prison, his church, his wife, if you take away his sky you take away his life. Yet where does he go when the ranges all have closed, does he retire to his bunkhouses, in depressed repose. No, he climbs back in that saddle, if just to bide his time, for the cowboy knows, a good death is hard to find. – Longmire


All my tears be washed away, song at the end of hell on wheels and the other one I posted earlier. Was the last thing Ryan wanted to watch, well hell on wheels. he made a big deal about both of these songs. Maybe we as people really do communicate through music and future memorey. oh baby Im so sorry I couldnt keep you alive but I will keep your memory always. I love you.

flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

New Orleans was fun.

i had just enough alchohol in me to become an ass grabber and must have found the only staunch faithful guy around because he repremanded me and pointed out his wife! who i had seen but thought he was there with his mother and old ugly aunts who were trying to be hip. lol!

this pic i just like. we went out with natalie and becca and had a lovely time last week.

flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

well blake came through to save the day. i still worry about the leak but as always i tell myself it will be ok and it will. i cant wait to have a hurricane. my favorite drink when i come to new orleans.

to lighten things up. here is the care instructions that willoam made blake for the cats. its so true to them.


(no subject)

I'm in New Orleans for Williams doctor appointment and my account went negative. I deposited money and they put it into the wrong account and this is the bad part. A 400 dollar water bill hit me today. I must have some sort of leak somewhere!!!!!!!!! That's more than I had in the whole account!!! I'm so fucked! At least we have a free place to stay and fifty dollars cash.

With my rent money coming in and next weeks tutoring all of my bills would have been paid with padding. My water bill is only 30$ usually and is the only bill left on auto pay. I'm stopping that shit! I can't belive this. William is calling Blake now. This is some shit. A $400 dollar water bill! I could cry but I just don't have any tears left.

William just told me Blake transferred some money into his account and we will figure things out on Monday when the water authority is open Monday. The basic bills will still be covered it's just upsetting about the water bill and leak.