Undefinable pain

I was looking at some cards and things Ryan wrote me. One of them said I now had a partner to brave life with. How could he do this and leave me like this. I don't know if my heart is shattered or tattooed or a mixture of both. I've lost both parents, friends, all my grandparents, but this pain...is such, it hurts and is such a deep pain that I can't even define it or describe it. I don't even understand it.

I think he started loosing control of his addictions this time last year, maybe even consummated insanity on Valentine's Day last year. His addictions really started getting bad. I was so naive. In some respects I have the same fatal flaw as Desdemona, excpet I saved myself where Desdemona choose not to. My student said something about Othello that struck me really deeply. When I started thinking about it on the drive home I cried all the way home. It was that In Shakespeare's eye and Othello, Desdemona was the perfect woman and Othello still destroyed the relationship. I'm not saying that I'm perfect but I'm an awesome partner, lover, I'm loyal, sweet and kind, and have been thought of as beautiful. Mike K. told me that if Ryan couldn't make it with me he couldn't make it with anybody.

I am trying to put one foot I front of the other and discover my purpose. mike says god wants us to be happy joyous and free. Most days william and I have a lot of fun. We both have shattered hearts and are just trying to be happy becuase that's what our people would want for us. Everyone in a while I indulge in a good cry at the fire pit, or my favorite current sad albums Leonard's last songs and Ultraviolence by Lana del Ray. The house is calm and there is no stress which is what we need. It is mostly filled with music and Magic and wonderful memories and new ones.

Tonight we are going to watch a drag queen movie called Hurricane Bianca on Netflix. William actually knows the star from New Orleans. He is getting a camp fire together, I just needed to cry and get angry over my lost love. He's not lost becuase he is in my heart and part of the bricks and mortar now. I know he is waiting for me on the flip side. I will probably be old and ugly having lost my luster the next he sees me and he will still be forever young and beautiful.


(no subject)

My student got 100 on last weeks discussion. What he wrote tonight was so beautiful it made want to cry in my sensitivity over the fragility of love and loyalty. Remind me to to it to you. I wish we hadn't been doing Othello at this point in time. It adds to the pain of Valentine's Day! We discussed everything so deeply that when he started reading the other peoples answers he says "this is why I feel so alone in the world." It became clear that most had not read as close as he did and it was surface lazy reading to get the assignment done. We discussed surface readers and how people put themselves into the character instead of looking at the character Shakespeare wrote. He never ceases to amaze me. He is writing his one required response. Hopefully it won't take to long.

aftet my conversation about Othello tonight I was driving and crying all the way home till I got pulled over right in front of the valley. The officer asked me if I knew how fast I was going and I told him actually I didnt because the odometer was broken and there was no traffic to judge, it being close to 10 and all. He said I was going 80 miles an hour to which I exclaimed, " I was not! This rig doesnt even go that fast!" I guess I didnt take into account that  the hoses and the truck was feeling the need for speed. The nice officer told me to slow down and have a Happy Valentine's Day! lol ok. i ltolf him happy fsy but iy soybrf witj frminir rhyne.

flight of the turkey hat

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ive been cleaning today and enjoying some peace and tranquility. ive listened to ultraviolence by lana del ray  all the way through.the house seems dark and relaxed tonight. not exactly sad...a bit lonely maybe. william is up now and lit some torches.

flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

Today makes 10 years since I have seen my father. So im eating pizza, drinking, and listening to sad posthumous Leonard cohen music having a cold one and toast to "dear old dad" and all those we have loved and lost. A friend sent me a message..."
Epic. I have nothing witty or sexy or comparable to that, so I'll just say, "Cheers. Epic!"

here are some of my fav songs from the cohen album



those are my three favs from the album. i love the line that says sorry for the ghost i made you be.


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I had a bad nightmare last night but a good day.

i wen to the water dept. and got the water put in my name. They said my parents deposit was 10. it currently is 160. They said it was turned on in July 1971.

We spent the evening with the boys, Lucas and Killian. We had a really nice time.

Finished the day up with some kareoke.

My little gray kitten got a bath today. He has been sleeping in the bed with me. Its really nice actually.

(no subject)

The other night after I posted the "feeling lonelier than normaol" post, my gray kitty cat came and jumped up in the bed with me. I couldnt sleep becuase I was inthe early stages of a full on sinus and bronchitis infection attack! It was terrible. I had a budget of ten dollars to work with at the time and decided to go to wal mart at midnight for sick supplies. I was sad becuase I felt alone and sick, but William was up and he wanted to go too. Im so glad becuase I wouldnt have been able to figure out what I needed I was so sick and upset generally. I couldnt hardly even breath.

I went to the doctor Friday morning and got a shot and a zpack. I had to cancel on my student all week I was sick. In the doctors office I checked my mail and got another huge bill fromt he water company. 800$! can you belive that. I started hyoerventalating and chocking and coughing., I called my breother and was squeeking out words becuase I had lost my voice and people were trying not to look. He came over and we figured out that it was the remanents of the big leek. He called the water company and the reading were normal so they did a leek adjustment and took 300 off so now I have to go and take the deed and death cirtificates down and get it in my my name to take it off auto draft and set up a payment plan. crisis divertedd.

Then I got to spend and a lovely evening with the amazing Gregory Peebles and Kim listening to his his latest work that was performed in a recital at the kennedy center in washington. So amazing. I felt like I was dieing of tubuerculosis but nothing was going to keep me from it.

Then today I managed to get back with my student and fullfil the quiz which he made 100 on and he read the second act of othello while explaining it to him. Maybe I make such a good tudor becuase Im like what the fuck is going on and he has to explain it and then, Im like, can you explaine that agin? It works for us!

I got home and William had smoked up the house as he calls it "trying to be a good finace and cook Blake an egg" but somehow it got out of hand and really smokey. The alarm company came on and he could even see the lady. He said "oh I dont even have my face on!" she gave him 20 min to clear the air out before she sent the fire dept.

It has been nasty flash backs seeing sirens and flashers and police tape latley in the valley. THe man across the street had a heart attack and the worst news Joy down the street died in a fire. Im going to have to do a whole tribute post for her becuase we go way back and I she had told me of her struggles. I know several years ago she got committed for setting the trailor on fire back then so I wonder if it was something of the same. She is the neighbor who was transgender that sometimes called her self sister mary catherine, but mainly she just went by Joy. Me and william have been upset by it and want to put some flowers at the end of her driveway. Detailes of the fire have not been released and I know how horrifing it is when a statement like details released is attached to your residence. ITs the worst thing.

We sat after I got home and talked it all out again. It is indeed a long windy road. Poor Joy, at least she had the courage to live the way she wanted to live.

William and I have been scurrying around the house trying to make the best of things. I slept in till almost 11 today. Unheard of for me. He woke me up with coffee and cinimun rolls. It made me feel very cared for especially when he said that grayden was getting nervous setting outside the door which I had left adjar so he could get in and out. He tried to wake me up at the usual 6 am but I just took more nyquill and rolled over and slept.

Tomorrow is Williams birthday whcih he did not want to celebrate so we just agreed to call it William day. I underdtand to well not wanting to celebrate your birthday so it seemed doubly important. We dicded to cook my Dads favorite birthday meal rather than go out and I got him 20 dollars in change to play the coin pusher game up at food for less, which Ryan often called food for more, but I like to support my local grocery sometimes just running up the countain is so much better than driving into town. I also gave him a twenty to pin on his sholder which seems to be a birthday tradition in new orleans and choclates like his mother used to get. I also pot him a nice locally croched scarf in colors that will look really good on him.

He also made these cute little jumping and firing motions and said what if Steven let shoot his AK for my birthday so I contacted him and he said it would be no problem so I think William will have a special day tomorrow. Im so glad I broke down and went to the doctor when I did.

William dedicated his special best friends song to me on FB which is a big deal to him. He actually knows the women in this video and says they really shake their asses like this all the time. He took one girl to a kenny chesny concert and she was still booty shaking her ass. I love that story.


(no subject)

Noting my luck this post will totally be deleted by this app. Maybe I will try to copy and paste if need be, one of Ryan's brothers sent me a song and I listened to it enoguh to want to sing it to my computer which I did, I consider it a step in the right direction to get get drunk at sing at my computer. That's normal in my book.

In some ways I feel like this song speaks to me and Ryan. In my own private deviant way, which I have never truly hidden from this ljournal. Far more to Ryan I suppose since he is the one who had to go for real. My tolerance for pain is high, but I think things are going to turn around, I'm going to help william achieve his dream, maybe fulfil a dream of my own, live a little. I know the rules, and I know they don't really ever have applied in the past to me either, I just knew how to work the system to get around them. Look how far I've come, now that's guaranteed,

I think with all my heart that if Ry could have sheltered down it would have been with me, but he lived. He packed a lot in in 36 years. We packed a hell of a lot in the X amount of years we were together, I regret nothing.

Anyway I sang this cause one. Of his brothers felt like Ryan wanted me to hear it. I hear it baby, and I get it.

i guess i should add that before life beat it out of me i used to like to sing to my comupter... and record poetry. it came back tonight.

you know i think there is a bit of un-understandable in all of us. maybe thats where our uniqueness, our magic comes from. the little deviant in us all. 



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The day started oddly with a a strage lucid dream of reaching for my hair spray and butaine torch just so I could see a flame but I didnt have the motor function in my hands to make it happen. I dont know how real it was but I know I was reaching for it. I think I just had my phone. No hair spray is near my bed first and foremost.

I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed. It is the 13th. Afterall truman capotes eceentic aunt didnt get out of bed on any 13th. Its rather like william. I called him from bed to see if he was on the deck which he was. I got up and went out there. We had black coffee.

I got to thinking about an old jaz song Sit down and write myself a letter. It made us feel jazzy like Williams grandmother he remarked. We decided to have an open speak easy on FB just to get us up and moving and we cleaned and cleaned.

I worked out at boxing hittting the bag extra hard. I can feel my muscle now and like it.

Mike K brought over a whole ham the other day and ribs today. I think someone tld him they saw me at manna house. AA homeless people get around and they all know me. I wanted to not spend money on fresh things till pay day. Pay day came and I paid my bills that I could...went and got catfood, liiter, pizza and booze. sounds good to me. Fuck everything else. Oh and there is still enough to fill up the elantra.

My student passed his first quizz. I was happy. I been crying over Ryan so much I invited him to our cocltail party also and set a beer out for him. I think he would like that. Williams mom too.

Jazz Perfection fats waller aint misbehaivin

(no subject)

been thinking alot of this song lately. one of rys bros yhought it gely like ry was laying it on his heart. i was in a good mood rarliet but it fltpped somwhere.

im watching hell on wheels. the knew season is up. its what ryan wanted to watch that last fateful night on our midmight walk.

how could he have done this. so smart and sweet. i cant wait to work on his anthology. i wish i could be knocked ouf till tomoforrow.

i went kick boxibg but the sadness has been hanging over me for days. who wants to record that in their journal. i) get up in thr morning and do it all over again.

this song sounded positive to me today. like he eas saying im alive and hsppy in ny next life. i just get sad at night. full on emo i suppose. why did i have such a turn of feelingd.

Eddie Vedder
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On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one that's me
So I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
Half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
Got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
So it goes

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering
But I'm never what they thought
Got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees
They're singing with the dead

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

Written by Eddie Vedder • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
flight of the turkey hat

(no subject)

all my mixed cds are nasty and sad so we thought it would make a gteat name for a strip club...nasty sads.   like ....i just got home from nast sads

im so tires from chasing Humbug around. he is going to be the masvot yo our arcade.