At one point today was so bad I found myself thinking the Jenny prayer from Forest Gump. (Dear God, Make me a bird so I can fly far...) By the time I got to the library I left my sunglasses on, walked straight passed the circ desk and locked myself in the archives and cried for an hour. I then had the UAH library director and his technolgy person there talking to me about our digital software management. I did fine. In fact CONTENTdm should give me a commission for selling the shit out of it. I should have been a politician. Thats how good I am at selling ideas.

I am so sick of Facebook and people posting photos of their nasty slime Covered babies. Nobody wants to see that but your mother. Can you imagine all the hate comments you would t if you posted that as your status on Facebook.

Lately I have felt like I was sucking the life force of all those around me with my black hole of anguish and need. I described it to someone as feeling like an albatross. The metaphor came out in general conversation. I thought more about it today and looked it up on Wikipedia which I know I suppose to be iffy, but the first line I thought was pretty spot on with what I was trying to express.

"The word 'albatross' is sometimes used metaphorically to mean a psychological burden that feels like a curse."

I guess albatrosses are good and bad luck. As bad as things have been of late, today I went to lunch with a co worker who wanted to go to Applebees. I did not particualry want lunch from there but I have been such a negative nelly lately I went anyway. It turns out that if you order from their fast lunch menu and they don't get it to you in 12 min you get it free. They were late by 28 seconds so we didnt have to pay! awesome. every penny helps!

I think Ive had enough of today and am just going to sleep it off and hope I feel less empty in the morning. Everything is always better in the morning right? .

I'm bored.

Everything is hectic these days. I rememeber when Iposted absouty everyday but that seems to be harder these days. I'm so exhausted all the time emotionally and physicaly. I can't believe I haven't gotten sick yet.

Yesterday night I had eastern star. Some of the mean people who brought me up on Masonic charges were there. They are so horrible. At first I thought I was going to run from the building but it was a big night since the state officers were there. It was fine. I just ignored them and had an ok time.

Today was good, long, but an ok day. I didn't get home till late.

Oh my, I got drunk and hysterical earlier and wound up crying myself to sleep for an afternoon nap. Mike had laid down for nap and I went nuts after an hour alone today.

My neighbor brought over barbeque and fixings this evening and that was really nice. I had eaten nothing but pizza and pretzles for the past week.

For some strange reason this song has been stuck in my head today.

There is just so much extraneous bull shit going on that I cant even record it. I gulp it down in perfect reference to Larkin's poem and instead I focus on celebrating the life of Alice Diane. I am moving furniture around, decorating, and playing.

I had already gotten mothers present for today. Last month, I went to hear Robert McCammon speak and since mother collected autographes book I got her a signed copy of Boys Life and planned to highlight the famous passage from it and tell her how it always made me think of being raised by her and my gandmother, being born in magic times, among magic people, with one great exception. Unlike Robert McCammon, it was never churched out, spanked out, washed out, and certainly never combed out of me...never. I never even had a bed time, we just went to sleep when we were tired. The magic never withered in me, and never withered in her.I could give so many examples of the way she had powers, but there will be plenty of time for that in the future. I asked mother once, "What did you do that made me turn out so fabulously." She replied that she tried never to be to hard on me. Im sure she said more but thats all I remember right now. The magic that draws everybody to me is really hers and charisma that makes it so easy is my fathers.

I sneaked out to the graves to pay my respects in private this AM and I stood there and all I can say was "My beautiful parents." Its true, the good really do die young. Its God's blessing for a life of faithful service, that they are removed before the evils of the world overcome. Like the martyred saints old who were burned alive or eaten by lions. I have heard it said that they were relived of the pain of the torture by some spiritual coma, so were my beautful parents relived of this hideous world. I knew my mother was on borrowed time, but I thought that time would be longer. I think God had mercy on her and took her to excuse her from the fray...quietly in the calm ofnight with her faithful dog beside her, safe in her own bed surrounded by her beautiful things. I can't think of a better way to go for her. Dad got the best way for him to go to, with his work boots on ready to face the day. A quote from a Civil war letter I read comes to at this moment "Beautiful in death and may they be beautiful in Christ their savior at last…"

McCammon excerpt from Boys Life

"You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves."

Brandy called me and invited me to got to Beerfest this evening. Kim was playing music there tonight. It was really different. There were all these booths with different beers that you could sample. It was a fun time. Thanks Brandy for treating me to an evening out!