(no subject)

lets see, this week I worked with my student and his mother who is so sweet. Im doing some house work for them and in return she is paying for kickboxing. We really hit it off and I enjoyed just meandering around her house deciding what to do next. Shr reminds me of mother in some ways. HEr coloring, her sweet motherly spirit like your not not going to yelled at for spilling a drink...

which brings me to the title. Tonight Blake accedently nocked over and broke the last stem of my good Gorhum crystal. 85$ a stem. The only one I got that I registetred for my wedding bought by Kim. I really enjoyed that glass. We just cleaned it up[ and wqent on. I woul dhave never wanted him to feel bad for it. She is a fine lady and Im afraid I spilled my guts to her about my entire life. She still wants me as her sons tutor so that is good.

My student blew me away this week with someof his thoughts on philosophy. I really love being a teacher even if it is just to one student.

Tonight William watched Truman Captoes A Chritsmas Memory with me. It makes me think about Ryan before he went crazy. Im sorry if he reads that from heaven. He always thought that Geraldine Paige's character was like me at the heart. The first year he saw it he pained me a portait of two kites. The quote from the movie was something like "two kites making their way to heaven."
flight of the turkey hat

susangalique report

despite a big bleeding heart im getting by. i am goi g to start kick boxing with my students mother in return for helpibg her wake her house up. organize it and do some cleaning. i am good at peeling away layers of time in a home.  i teally like her a lot. shr has duch a gentle nature.

flight of the turkey hat

the boy report

all my guys are doing well. blake and william are happy and luke and killian requedted some jumping time at a trampoline place called shakalaka.

flight of the turkey hat

the cat report

the cats are well and happy. jasper has accepted that its time to come in for the winter and grayden is calming down a little but he is mostly naughty.


(no subject)

Ive really been fighting the depression these days.

Ryans youtube is logged in to the ps3 and I stumbled across some playlists and it made my heart hurt and ache so bad, like why isnt he here to get up and dance.

I couldnt even figure out how old mother would have been yesterday so I emailed a friend who said she would have been 76.

I didnt want to get out of bed today but I did and made some coffee. I know how much William loves it when the coffee is fresh percalating. It will draw him out of his room. We watched a good stalker movie and then Blake got home from being gone to work for a couple days so we went and had chinese and next to the ABC store and I got some stuff for the weekend.

My plan today is to let William and blake play DJ so I dont wind up naturally going down the sad road, drink Maragrittas, and hang up my clothes and clean my little corner of the world. My heart hurts so bad I have to intellectually take over and create movement. Its so hard especially when I saw the created playlists. It made me have all these thoughts and stuff.

I just saw William at the little white board. He changes the content phrase everyday usually a quote inspired by Niki or something crazy that onl he could get away with highlighting.

Im going to see what he wrote. to be continued....

(no subject)

I had dinner tonight with a friend from California who is a federal lawyer for NASA. I had a nice time and enjoyed the upscale resteraunt and conversation.

I told him about my life since I saw him last, a little about my career options, and what I want from my 40s whihc is a nice quiet life. I fear inviting chaos into my house again and enjoy the serene invironment that has come to be. He said he felt like great things were headed my way.

I dont know, one day at time. I have questionable judgement as things get a little hazy sometime, but all in all this house is at peace and I want it to stay that way. He drew a chart for me that shows how when we are young, if you are palying an instrument you mess up and start over, as we mature you corcorparate the tradgedy or situation and learn to move past it rather than start back at the beginning of the score. I understood that metephore very well.
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brand new concert with Natalie

My favorite song I think was this one called Jesus Christ


It's such a great song. This is the one that got me rolling around on the bed crying and texting to Natalie who was so sweet to reassure me.

Anyway, I think I can sleep now. All that action in the hallway with that domestic dispute. I think I can sleep now. I will try and catch up. I don't like not recording things, it clogs my soul up. I've been trying to keep a paper journal for the boys but Lj always does it best for me.
flight of the turkey hat

Ok let me just start with this barricaded door at the Ramada Inn--Kentucky

I've been to depressed to reach out, write, or do anything other than play with my record collection, tutor my student, and hang out with William.

I got my packet in to UAH for their assistant archivist position. I hope I get it.

I had a particularly tough meeting with my consultant and after felt the need to get my packet in to uah today and leave town, het the hell out of doge. I wanted to be with Ryan's family, the brothers that are close. I messaged with two of them long distance and william Blake and I are headed to Kentucky to see his family there. I hung out with Natalie last week when we went to the brand new concert. I don't remember if if I journaled out it but it was great. I got drunk on special cocktail and drunk texted her about how sorry I was I couldn't keep him alive. I was just to young to understand what was happening.

Then Nancy rohr gave me a ticket to hear a noted historian who wrote devil in the white city and the new Lusitania book. I looked like a million bucks. Laurel asked me about Ryan and I thought her questions in bad taste but I was a lady when the chair of the board asked me how I was, I said I was fine and then he asked me how I was really. Despite wanting to tell all, my good breeding managed to fight its way to the top and I acted lady. Glad Becuase I turned around and Laurel was there. I certainly don't want to be able to pretend in the future.

So we are on the way to Kentucky and stopped at the bowling green ramada and a couple had domestic. She beat the fuck out of his face and was screaming, we looked out and he came and asked us not to call the police. We told him to leave. William had gone to the car and we didn't want him walking back into all that screaming and fighting so I got my knife that I got in Budapest and made a run for it. I told him to get his prissy ass over here when he strolled toward the door. I wanted to see those hands fly up and him doing his gazelle run. I don't know what pics I posted.

I just had to get the hell out of town while I can. I cancelled tutoring and we just left. Call it a mental health emergency for william and myself. He mother was murdered three years ago Monday. We didn't want to just sit around so we du idea a road trip to see family.

The craziness in the hallway was so soap opera dramatic red neck style so we baracadded the door ei did not seem secure and heavy like a Hilton door. It was so over the top it uncorked my inability to journal. We did call the front desk, others had also. It was such an adventure! This is goin g to be an exciting trip.