The cemetety stroll was a great success this year. I'm so glad I could work it out with work to where I could go. I think pic of me and william is my favorite pic of the day. I do love the one where I'm standing in front of the tree.
It was such a long day today but I'm so excited that student is still making great strides. He wrote a short poem about pain and the nature of pain and denial. I will have to look back and ponder it. He did it quite by accident but it makes me happy to see someone hash it out in a way where every word counts and fits.
We had library in service today and I felt near hysterical inside crying sigh lenty in my chAir. I'm not sure, maybe all the people who terrorize me all in one room is just to much. I've been light headed. I think I almost had a panic attack, never had one until the other day when the light headed ness happened before a meeting. I almost ran out of the building but I called aaron and he talked to me about it. Just thinking about it makes my legs tingle. I wish I were tougher in this line.
I don't know if there is something wrong with me but I cannot speak to the three people I need to speak at work to advocate for myself and not be bullied. I never had a problem standing up to bullies but these bullies make me loose my voice entirely. I literally can't speak or won't speak. It's debilitating.
On the other hand, I service got out early and I went and spent the gift card Kim gave me on the new Leonard Cohen album and it's awesome! I also got a sublime album to feel close to Ry Ry. It was a hard day. I went and got Lucas and he and me rode bikes while william rolled along of his skate board. It was super fun. It felt like being carefree. Then I put put on the new records I got and separated out my albums, that was fun, especially with the doors and windows open and fans on. Aired the house out.
Boy, they are really gunning hard for me. I dont know how I am goign to get all that done by tues the 18th. I was a ble to to batch location change so it lookslike I did a lot on the digital arcvhie. They have not caught on to batch uploads or changes yet.
I have an important program for Leadership Huntsville on Thurday which needs to be excellent. Like me and Ranee working on it together. I pulled up some of her old work and mixed it with mine so I can still think of it as my team. I get so overwhelmed when I think about it all. I decided to take 30 min thismorningand face reading this document. I get one every week about how I failled and what needs to be done. These meetings are so unfair and awful. The things they say and ask. Especially questioning whether I am up to future tasks aboutthe bicentennial when I am actually on a state bicentennial committee. They are so horrible. I am trying to follow it to the letter and cross things off but to get everything in the archvies labled and straight is a year process. I just do band aids. I will set aside maybe I will work on my presentation from 10-12, take lunch and work back there from 1-2 and then switch back to my presentation 2-3 and work back there 4-5. That will give my eyes some rest in between. Monday we have staff development day so that is a whole day of work I will miss before my big dead line on Tuesday. I will still have Wed night to work on my presentation since they haven't caught on about the batch uploads yet. The tragedy of my managers dorothies life in my estimaton and prediction is that she will never experience self reflection and an understanding of her arrogrance and how it harms others. I hope UAH will come through soon. Please God. Please Please Please. If not that, provide something else becuase I am utterly beyond human aid.
Nothing bad happened today. I spoke to an old folks group and they had backed potatoes. I worked a lot on my presentation for leadership huntsville. It needs to be tight.
My student is doing very well and I enjoy his company Witt and humor. We taked about some pretty heavy issues and he didn't really want to leave but I was beginning to be so tired I was deli outs. When I got home I sat out side and with william and discussed our day. I played som jo stafford for him tonight, no other love and you belong to me. It was such a beautiful moon filled night. Ryan picture looked happy tight I though and william said he looked like he just had a juicy steak,
So today I made a visit to UAH Library and got the status on that archive job. He said it might post in less than a month. I am praying for a miracle and a chance. He seems to like me and I think would make sure I got an interview. Of course how many times have I thought that. He told me what they were specifically looking for strength wise. I dont know. I hope that it might pan out. The pay would be better and the vacation benefits. I told him I would like to just not be mentally abused everyday.
I feel better after hearing that, at least to get me to do a few things I needed to do. A shot of hope. I used to think hope was a bad thing, like it just led to disappointment but I think I was wrong about that. Anyway, bitch-boss is back from lunch. Man I hate her. I gave her look that could kill in that meeting. I know she registered it too. There is no hope for reconciliation between us at all.
It was a rough meeting that I suffered today. When I found out about it this morning I got completely hysterical and nearly hyperventilated. I called my friend at Auburn who calmed me down and talked me up, reminding me that although my institution does not think much of me I have done great things and my colleagues through out the state appreciate me. I guess it was just nice that he tried to build me up from feeling like a piece of shit.
Jody sent me some nationwide links to jobs but I don't want to move. I want to move jobs but I don't want to move.
I can't go on like this much longer. Aaron thinks I should persue council but I wouldnt even know what to say. My brain is so fried I cant think. He wants to know specifics about the meeting. I already cant remember it and I feel light headed.
It statred with talking about me comunicating that I feel like I cant talk to HR or to The branch manager and I had joked that my last meeting with them gave me post tramatic stress so I run when I see them. I guess I did say that jokingly. The branch manager asked me about it and wanted to know why. I said becuase bad things happen to me when I see her.
Then there was a string of questions I refused to answer regarding the suicide meeting.
They wanted to know if I could do the conservation part of my job and I told them I just sent several days wiping mold off pictures. She said why was it not reflected in my bi weekly email. I said its just part of the job.
Last night Kim I took me out to a super nice resteraunt as a late birthday present. We talked and caught up. It was a much needed evening.
I have another dreaded meeting today. Going to work is like bone on bone. Everyday I find myself thinking I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I get nauseated at the thought of the meeting today.
I love this place. It reminds me of truvy's in steel magnolia. Joyce is the only person really to ever cut my hair. I give it a little help also to avoid dishwater blond. A couple years ago ryan got me the cutest scarf and hat set made by a local lady.
I had considered getting him that green one whivh would have looked awesome on him.
I am sitting at an outdoor cafe in huntsville with a coffee wondering if I could have done something different that would have kept Ryan alive for longer. I know it's of no use to think that way but I can't help it sometimes. I tried not to react to his threats after a while so as not to encourage it with a reaction and now I wish I had of shown my torment and fear every time. Then I remember Curt telling me he would cry everytime Ryan talked negatively like that and it never changed his mind about being "a curse" as he called it. I hope he knew how much I loved him, even after Shit hit the fan, I would have gotten over it and worked with him. I just have to keep reminding myself that he didn't want to, and couldn't maybe, do the work it would have taken to get better.
One of my nice bosses at work asked me genuinely how I was doing. I cried a little bit and it felt good. I told her I think we both had broken wings when out world collided. He wrote a poem about it called "falling bird" that I would like to have one of his brothers illustrate. Something I wanted him to do since I read it. I love illuminated poetry as they used to call it. Anyway, I think I had one broken wing where he had two. In the poem he did call himself "standing bird" and I was "falling bird." I had never properly grieved mother and he gave me a safe place to grieve and heal before his second wing broke totally and mine healed. I could have carried us if I had known what the load had been. I guess it goes back to my origional post about him that we need to be honest with each other to help shoulder life's burdens. I am reminded of the lyrics to pearl jam's song "black." But don't have time right now to hunt it up.
I haven't let myself slow down enough to write about my feelings and be quiet maybe since the first lj announcement about Ryan. I have just kept moving. Putting one foot in front of the other.
I wish I didn't have to go to work. My heart feels so exposed today. I just want to keep sitting on this park bench and enjoy the birds song, the light breeze and morning sunshine.