I go up and down with severity. I got so angry over something the other day I was litterally privatly throwing things around trying to break something and on the flip side very happy and content. Tomorro wI am going to get my welbutrin filled and hope it will help. I sit long hours at the computer trying to meet these undoable deadlines that my new gestapo boss and nasty branch manager have dumped on me. I cant live like this. I don't think i can be the archivist they want, not watching the things i have developed being torn down, partnerships drowned and buried. Internships I had created for summer students gone, no more programs, working with patrons low priority for my in particular, no more presentations, no more volunteers like Jimmy to work with. Task list requirments that I might could learn to live with but under the criticil stink eye they give me its really hard. I keep playing the game and somehow have managed to be able to turn stuff in and get new developing deadlines but they always make me feel like a piece of shit.
I was not allowed to attend the confederation of historians meeting today but I did not have to go in till 12:30 so I got to go for the first thirty min. for a group photo to commemorate the first meeting and everybody to give name and affiliations.
I gulped fear when I saw Dorothie come into the room, but I was there on my own. I cant hardly stomach the sight of her. Working for her is a nightmare. She is like an abusive husband that privately demeans you all the time in subtle ways. I try to remember that she is just 26, home schooled and no completed degree, thinks she knows everything, and has everything to prove. Mike told me I could work through her time here, wait her out. I have seen so many come and go, but I think Im to beat the fuck down and the money just isnt worth it. especially if they have cut out the things I love most. Im praying about it hoping I will just find my way to the perfect outcome. I have put in two applications that are both long shots but I did it. One is to the Missle defence agensy for an entry level training program for contract speicaists. I have always found government contracting interesting. If I had any kind of gov job I could retire in twenty years at 60. I can still keep my civic dutites in history socities. Im tired. I wish I didnt have to work anymore. I wish I could play with some creative wiritng and history articles. I wopuldn like to do a study of scrap books.
It did feel really great that when I introduced myself tagged on to my affiliations I said I am the archivist for the Library, Alabama Historical association Board of Directors, and member of the Alabama Bicentennial Books Committee. Thinking about everybody in that room, my accolades were among the best and I began to be reminded of all the ways I have served my community and state and suddenly began to think, Im no joke! I am not a piece of shit.