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One time at band camp...

Camp doesnt offically start till today at noon but we arrived yesterday. I am glad becuase we got to meet some of the other campers in a relaxed environment and the jam session was relaxed and made me feel less nervous. My voice blends really well and I was even able to play alng to a few of the tunes and experiment and no one notices wrong notes.

We explored the camp some yesterday and its so super cute. I think its a catholic summer camp. Its called Camp Marymount.

MQ is enjoying himself. This was his idea to go to blue grass camp. He wants to improve his mandolin playing. The guitar track was a ll filled up which is just as well really. I took the singing tract. The teachers alllook really good.

YEsterday I explored the grounds. There are actual cabins like I remmber. It reminded me of going to girl scount and bible camps. I would always get so homesick at camp. I still have the turtle sheets I took and the scarf mother gave me of hers so I could smell something of hers when I was homesick. I havent jpurnaled in so long becuase it just got runied by life and shit and more shit and more shit, but one thing is still absolutley the same about my heart is its so homesick for my parents and grandparents. The food here is so good its like real home cooking. I miss them so much all the time. You think it would dissipate over time but it just deepns and settles like dust undisturbed to a wind blows it back up. Many of these songs remind me of them. They have played most of the songs that were played at funerals, like will the curcle be unbroken, Ill fly away and just old tunes. Ive learned some new to that touched my heart already.

Im starting to feel more like myself these days. Like me before all the ill fated decisons and time. I wouldnt be the world wise person I am today without it though so I cant let myself fall into that thinking.

Even my faith has seen a come-up-ance lately. Not that it ever went anywhere but its like getting to see Gods promises come to fruition.

My heart just feels vibrant and alive today like this lily pond on the back side of the camp.

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I am at camp in Nashville. Its late and I am very tired and pecking away on my phone with my finger. I want to journal this week. Its a full on schedual. Its light out!

B&W in Profile

The airport

The last time was at the airport was to begin a mega adventure. I want to lobdon for a week, from england to Cuba for 11 days and back to England. It was an amazing adventure. Ive been writing in a bound joyrnal and i lost it in Vinales while parting with some Belgiums and watching the world cup. They pickd it up for ne and sent it to me. I jokrd that it had a whole other vacation than i did.

I cant remrmber my password for to type on my computer so im pecking this out with my index finger on my phone.

I ve been wanting to update here in favor ovrr my paper. At leadt on here there is a chance of interaction. That somebody might be on the other side.

So im in the same spot waiting on my dc flight. Got through security in 5 min. Huntsville has such a nice and beautiful airport. In washington going through customs took me 3 hours last time.

I hope i make some connections at SAA. It never really leads to a job but to give up SAA would be to give up a piece of me im not ready to give up. The profrssional organization with which i affiliate. I cant give in to the profesdional depression. When i do get a meaneal job as i suspect evenyually i will i want it to be something i can live with.im so worried about the house. Worried it will fall down around me. The roof neefs work and has caused major damage. When i got home from being gone a nonth an intetior ceiling was covered in mold. Im paying my bills fibe, but there is barely enough for food much less roof and mold. And a portion of the lights shorted out. I can only hide in my room for so long. My roomate let Jasper out and i persume him dead. I miss him so much.

On the upside. I appear to find myself in a healthy adult relationship, im off carbs and that seems to be helping everything. Lets call my new love interedt MQ. He is so nice and responsible. I feel safe with him and enjoy his energy, positivity, and self awsrenrss. He wirks as a CEO of an archival software company and he wants to see me bad enough to fly me where ever he will be. Imagine that. Its so nice to fall adleep in someones arms and feel safe. So many nights i feel huddled up in my bed surrounded by silence wondeting if theres something i cant see near, something supernatural, and not the mold. Jasper made me feel like i wasnt the only living thing around and he kept the spooky feeling away.

I brought all my nice clothes hoping to put my best foit forward. Im used to yoga pants and jeggings. Buusness clothes almost seem forgein now. I hope i can worj it like i used to.
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So I have gate crashed the Applied Intelligent Information Management conference. I spent most of my time in the vendor area learning about the latest technolgies and trends. I think these things you learn the most from the products and the people that run them. I interviewed with MIT Lincoln lab today. I guess it went well. I did my best. It was an hour and was very conversational. They seemed to want somebody that is capable and would be nice to work with on a daily basis. They said they were finishing interviews and would get back to me next week.

Now all the vendors are stopping to ask me how the interview went. I dont have a badge and when they asked me where it was i told them "it clashed" like i was the gayest gay man and stunned them into not questioning me further. It was pretty funny. I fessed up to one and he told i was a bright spot in the whole thing.

I also got to meet the president of the con on the elevator.
I said hey you are the woman! And she said it wasnt as glamorous as it appeared.

Right now im just hungry and biding my time. My admirer is so thoughtful and kibd. He gave me the new chanel fragrence Gabrelle. I like it a lot. Its a nice light fragrance for spring. I enjoy his self awareness and how intentional he is. I like it that he is a hard nosed shrewd buisness man and he let me sit in on a real buisness meeting as an archivist end user. It was very cool. It is nice being in the company of someone who is stable and congruent in whi he is in work and provate life. I appriciate that the most after years of being drug through the mud.
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Ive been fortunant to travel a bit, last year orlando and england were the two big ones and me and williams epic car trip to massachusets to virginia beach and then back to alabama.

Tomorrow im going to a san antonio for a conference but also to see my admierer. Im so excited. He is an amazing individual who, in my opinon, is changing the way we comercially store data in long term digital preservation. Everything he does is thought out, intentional, and self aware. I appriciate those qualities and i need more of it in my life.

Ive been so busy with my clients and i got a new archival client today. If i continue doing this she would be a big damn deal for me.

I decided to apply to nothing but dream jobs and i heard back from two of them. Get this...MIT's Lincoln Labs!!!!! MIT!!!!! Im just happy to get the interview. The other would be wonderful also and i had the phone interview already which went great! They were great!the interview was fun and it just went really well. Thats at northeastern uni in boston. Yep folks, boston may be calling my name. Im not selling my house or anything like that, but i think it may be rime for me to swim in a larger pot for a while. Everything is up in the air but it is a real possibility.

My student is growing in leaps and bounds. He has matured along side me over the past year and a half.
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The thing about peace is that you never know when it might hit. Tonight I felt at peace and happy sitting in my bed. I only ever want to listen to Just BReath the song (tonight Willie Nelson's version) when my heart feels peaceful. Even then, I got a call from one one of my client friends who is fighting rising antesimitism in Huntsville. She is in her 70s and told me about a rally at the big spring and said that this is how things begins. It feels bad to feel so peaceful when something like this could be looming int he community. They danced and partied in Berlin before all that broke out. My client is right to be worried I fear. It hurts my heart to think of it. SOme of the best people Iknow are Jewish. I cant imagine someone hating them.

At least for tonight, peace reigns in my little kingdom. I got a package from my admierer today. Someone wants to be my Valentine! And he is absolutely wonderful.

I got a call from my mentor tonight saying he was pleased with me for applying for a job. He helped me rewrite my cover letter and beefed it up till I cried when I read what he said.

Someone ordered me a rim for my car cause they found out I had a bent rim and was putting air in my tire every day.

I had a great guitar lesson today and got to play in a small group.

I got to catch up with an old friend I hadnt spoken to in maybe over a year.

My house is clean

My cat has been more desirous of my attention lately.

I walked for an hour on my treadmill.

Tonight things are peaceful in my kingdom.

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Pinto BEans

The renters gave me some pinto beans the other day and I followed the recipe and threw in a bunch of random spices and I cant belive how great it turned out. Its been in the crock pot since 4:00 Sunday and still great. I mean you can eat on this stuff on and on. I cut up 2 yellow onions, thyme, all spice, penzy spice, salt, peper, bail olive oil, spicey schechwon sauce from the asian market and I totoally butchered that word. Jalepinoes canned by the renters, and some homemade by the renters ,black berry jelly, to cut the spice. I cant belive how good it was. Tomnight I had a sweet potato and two little squares of cheese and a glass of wine. I have decided to start writing things down so I cn remember recipes

I soaked the beans like it said on the bag over night in water. It actually soaked in all that water. I couldnt belive it. How do beans do that and still stay so hard. IT really is a wonderful biological mystery.

3 cups dried beans
6-8 cups water
3 strips bacon, diced (optional)...used porcuto (itallian cured meat)
salt & pepper, to taste

diced onions
2 whole garlic cloves, smashed (didnt have any)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon oregano

Place all items in a crockpot and put on low for 6-8 hours.
Serve with greens and tomatoes. My favorite is to top these with Chow Chow!

Read more at http://faithfulprovisions.com/pinto-beans/#GLMVGfuHXBLM2yxy.99

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Feb 2nd is always a tough time. The day day I found dad. Its been thirteen years since that horrible day. If I had known then how hard life would be and what a benchmark dividing line it would be, I would have shot myself in the head and be done with all this pain and misery. I really try to be positive but I have these bursts of despondancy that never really goes away. I say Im always ok because I know I am already fucked and what ever happens to me isnt important,everyone is automatically more nessessary and they have people that love them and depend on them, partners. Families. I feel like I dont really matter anymore. There is really no reason to be alive except to help others and even in this all I can really do is offer compassion and things from my personal collections. My student has done well under my tutelidge but he is so smart all I do is let him be himself and accept him giving him more confidence.

I was so tired of the christmas lights and Blake and WIlliam are afraid of heights and Mike didnt offer and I hated to ask. I thought if I am going to keep being independant, especially now that William is moving in with his new man, I need to man up and do things like get up on the roof. I put on a scatebording helmut, though part of me wished I would just fall off and die. I didnt though. I actually sat up there and looked around. I have lived in this house 41 years and the last timne I was up there was with Dad under his watchful eye. I was probably 11 or 12. I might have gone up with him once or twice in my teen years but I I cant recall. I looked over at the shed. I admire Ryan and respect his choice. At least its over for him and he is not out there struggling. If I can barely make it, then he never had a chance.

This is why I havent been writing. Becuase in my lj I always wanted to write what is in my heart but you dont want to keep going on and on with the same old shit. Most days are pretty ok, plus cyber bullies took the fun out of it. I sent a letter to a friend but it depressed and worried him, so I need an outlet for my dark side. My paper journal is fine but there is no human interaction. I write that mainly to Ryan and for his boys for when they are older so they can remember the lovely times we had before the addictions took him. They hear a lot of smack about him and I want them to remember that he was intelligent, kind hearted, and overflowing with love.

The highs and lows are so tireing. I wish I could have stayed in England with my friend. So everything is not always emotionally bad. I have several things going well. I guess I just need to try and make it through today as best as I can and maybe if I keep my headspace and fortify myself with sleep, nutrition, and orderliness the pain wont be eating me up inside.

I have reconnected with an old friend who I met in an elevator in New Orleans. More about him later. He deserves his own post.

One of my clients gave me guitar lessons for Christmas. HE is also buying me a computer I can use with my student. THat will be nice.

Maybe I really do need this outlet becuase I do feel better.
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The house seems at peace today. There is no reason it should, but it does. I had the door open today letting fresh air and light in to all the dark corners while I cleaned in the house alone, listening to soft singer songwriter stuff. I started with Morning Bird and was on somebody's really nice play list. Its very uplifting and relective. THis is currently playing.


I woke up and made my bed, took my vitamins, had a cup of coffee with William and went to kickboxing. Came home, showered, curled my hair and did more cleaning. The washer stopped spinning and it takes for forever to dry towels so after my guitar lesson Im going to hang out with my sstudent and use his. He has become the sun to which my planet revolves around. I currently have have 4 clients. Three of them are millioners. Not a lot people can say that. It is not a steady pay checjk and I sometimes get tired of the the hustle but in general the hustle looks good on me.

I think over all my post tramatic stress from years of pain, death, and destruction are smoothing out. Im almost scared to tempt fate like saying something like that, especially since Im on the unkown brink of chage yet again. Blake and William are divorcing. It was anti climatic and heart breakingly sad...most of my heart breaking moments involved literal dead bodies of the ones I loved, dead on the couch with blood, dead in the bed, and swinging from a rope, but they were at peace and had gone, they were beyond it. To see the moment William realized it was over, the marraige was dead and he had to keep living, tore my heart out. I tried to have childern but had miscarrage after miscarrge till I stopped one day. Just stopped. Seeing WIlliam's dream of his future die was a different pain. MAybe what a parent might feel at their childs particular hurt.

Not sure if Blake will move out, or eventually I hope they meet someone special, and then there's one. I feel completely calm and OK. I hope God still loves me. I have a guitar lesson. It feels good to be back in LJ. I will have to catch up on everything,. I had to walk away from it all. Like the old song, I cant quit you baby, but I have (had) to put you down for a while.