I dread work tomorrow, real bad. Im starting to wish that the mother of Ryans children would get a job in Birmingham or Montgomery so I could persue a job at the state archives. Ive been praying real hard. Ther eis no way she is going to get tenure at her current job and is looking for a new one. I sent Ry some job openeings to send to her. She still does not know that we are together. She stalked both of us with such intensity it was easier to let her belive her nasty attempt to get me fired was enough to make me decide he wasnt worth the trouble. Like that would happen! I may have absolutly no idea what the future holds, but wouldnt it be crazy to orchestrate something as big as moving two families and one not know about the other? It would have to be a God thing. I remember this old patron of mine who knew my whole back story from last year told me that there was not but 1 in 500 women who could have pulled off what I did last year. didnt say so to him, but I really followed a divine bread crumb trail through the firery pit. Mister doesnt belive in that sort of thing I dont think. The only complement Ive ever known Mister to give is to walk up to random thin women and thank them "for not being fat." Isnt that terrible! He is a very surly 70 year old, Im just tellin ya. He is always after me about my weight to, almost like Dad was. I am glad I have someone to feed my obsession. Ryan loves the way I look and accepts me just as I am but if I am to pursue an upper level management job (even if it is at my current library, God forbid I dont get myself fired first by telling off current manager) I cant leave it to merrit alone. I need my fighting figure back.
I dread going back to work so hard. I am reminded of mother saying "you just put that hair up and paint those lips up and right on with yourself!" She was never in a real work environment after she married dad in 1967, but she faced her share of shitty people along the way. Its tough though when you have to face a job day after day where it is combative. I really had thought i had fixed things with this supervisor. When I was talking about it with Mike he said that people dont get over things like we do. I said "YOu think so?" He said "I know so, resentments kill more alcholics than alcohol."
He said over the years the man has been paranoid about loosing his job. I know this becuase he has said it to me numerous times. For what ever reason he feels like I am the only one threatening his security. He didnt like it when I was an autonomous department, then semi autonomous, then taken over totally by his department, which I myself made up the name for and helped to combine.I was left with no autonomy, but still manage to know the rules and play the game so well, I get away with just enough freedoms to piss him off. I thought we had moved beyond playing cat and mouse so I was genuinly suprised how happy he was when he thought I was going to get in trouble. Fuck him!! I burned his name up in the fire and am done with his sorry tyranny.
I would like to think of pleasenter things having gotten all that work anxiety out. Like this beautiful man sleeping quietly beside me. He looks like an angel when he sleeps, and if you touch his face or smooth his hair he coos. I cant belive he mine!!!!!
He makes me feel like I am 17 again. I even had a dirty dancing moment yesterday. We had opened all doors and windows while cleaning since the wind was blowing and the temprture signifigantly cooler. I had some good music on the big speakers. When Solomon Burkes "Cry to Me" came on he dropped what he was doing and turned my way. In a white cotton shirt and blue jeans he walked up to me like he was Patrick Swazey himself and I was baby. He took my my hands and raised my arms, swaying them gently to the rythym as we started dancing. I told him later that I wished I could bottle that moment up, seeing him walk up to me like that and move like he did. He said that if I wanted to film him walking up to me like that I could even if it took 100 times to capture it just encase something ever did happen to him I would have it in a bottle.
I wonder what makes this song so fucking sexy? I have my ideas. I think it is a mixture of exposure of the soul and body. It is a powerful combination. If anyone managed to read down this far in this convoluted rambling post, why do you think it is so sexy? Why do you think the creators of Dirty Dancing would use it as the love scene song in the movie? I think the answer lies between exposure and release.