i dont particularly want to see or talk to anyone. why did ryan have to go jump off the deepend. thats what i said in kentucky to rys sister en law. adding....i keep telling myself you were just sick. she made it the first line on a beautiful song.
i went kickboxing this morning and have been cleaning really hard. i might have vip company soon and that helped me get the get up and go power.
i wonder if ryans spirit is here tonight. i feel peaceful when i look at our picture.we pretty much had our christmas eve last night with the boys and natalie gave me a blanket. ryan sort of started the habit of getting me one every year. blake had to work today. we will go to the boys tomorrow. my employer gave me a bunch of really cool science based toys for them that are really nice. its a humble but nice i think. i did only white lights and angels like mom did the first year after loosing dad. this one id in honor of all our loved ones who are gone. williams first friend died. im not close to my firdt friend eithet but would be tore up if something happened to her. poor william loosing a best friend on chridtmas eve. well, a klonopin a day will keep the pain away.