Susangalique (susangalique) wrote,

Undefinable pain

I was looking at some cards and things Ryan wrote me. One of them said I now had a partner to brave life with. How could he do this and leave me like this. I don't know if my heart is shattered or tattooed or a mixture of both. I've lost both parents, friends, all my grandparents, but this such, it hurts and is such a deep pain that I can't even define it or describe it. I don't even understand it.

I think he started loosing control of his addictions this time last year, maybe even consummated insanity on Valentine's Day last year. His addictions really started getting bad. I was so naive. In some respects I have the same fatal flaw as Desdemona, excpet I saved myself where Desdemona choose not to. My student said something about Othello that struck me really deeply. When I started thinking about it on the drive home I cried all the way home. It was that In Shakespeare's eye and Othello, Desdemona was the perfect woman and Othello still destroyed the relationship. I'm not saying that I'm perfect but I'm an awesome partner, lover, I'm loyal, sweet and kind, and have been thought of as beautiful. Mike K. told me that if Ryan couldn't make it with me he couldn't make it with anybody.

I am trying to put one foot I front of the other and discover my purpose. mike says god wants us to be happy joyous and free. Most days william and I have a lot of fun. We both have shattered hearts and are just trying to be happy becuase that's what our people would want for us. Everyone in a while I indulge in a good cry at the fire pit, or my favorite current sad albums Leonard's last songs and Ultraviolence by Lana del Ray. The house is calm and there is no stress which is what we need. It is mostly filled with music and Magic and wonderful memories and new ones.

Tonight we are going to watch a drag queen movie called Hurricane Bianca on Netflix. William actually knows the star from New Orleans. He is getting a camp fire together, I just needed to cry and get angry over my lost love. He's not lost becuase he is in my heart and part of the bricks and mortar now. I know he is waiting for me on the flip side. I will probably be old and ugly having lost my luster the next he sees me and he will still be forever young and beautiful.

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