Susangalique (susangalique) wrote,

Feb 2nd is always a tough time. The day day I found dad. Its been thirteen years since that horrible day. If I had known then how hard life would be and what a benchmark dividing line it would be, I would have shot myself in the head and be done with all this pain and misery. I really try to be positive but I have these bursts of despondancy that never really goes away. I say Im always ok because I know I am already fucked and what ever happens to me isnt important,everyone is automatically more nessessary and they have people that love them and depend on them, partners. Families. I feel like I dont really matter anymore. There is really no reason to be alive except to help others and even in this all I can really do is offer compassion and things from my personal collections. My student has done well under my tutelidge but he is so smart all I do is let him be himself and accept him giving him more confidence.

I was so tired of the christmas lights and Blake and WIlliam are afraid of heights and Mike didnt offer and I hated to ask. I thought if I am going to keep being independant, especially now that William is moving in with his new man, I need to man up and do things like get up on the roof. I put on a scatebording helmut, though part of me wished I would just fall off and die. I didnt though. I actually sat up there and looked around. I have lived in this house 41 years and the last timne I was up there was with Dad under his watchful eye. I was probably 11 or 12. I might have gone up with him once or twice in my teen years but I I cant recall. I looked over at the shed. I admire Ryan and respect his choice. At least its over for him and he is not out there struggling. If I can barely make it, then he never had a chance.

This is why I havent been writing. Becuase in my lj I always wanted to write what is in my heart but you dont want to keep going on and on with the same old shit. Most days are pretty ok, plus cyber bullies took the fun out of it. I sent a letter to a friend but it depressed and worried him, so I need an outlet for my dark side. My paper journal is fine but there is no human interaction. I write that mainly to Ryan and for his boys for when they are older so they can remember the lovely times we had before the addictions took him. They hear a lot of smack about him and I want them to remember that he was intelligent, kind hearted, and overflowing with love.

The highs and lows are so tireing. I wish I could have stayed in England with my friend. So everything is not always emotionally bad. I have several things going well. I guess I just need to try and make it through today as best as I can and maybe if I keep my headspace and fortify myself with sleep, nutrition, and orderliness the pain wont be eating me up inside.

I have reconnected with an old friend who I met in an elevator in New Orleans. More about him later. He deserves his own post.

One of my clients gave me guitar lessons for Christmas. HE is also buying me a computer I can use with my student. THat will be nice.

Maybe I really do need this outlet becuase I do feel better.
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