September 4th, 2016

flight of the turkey hat

Healing Scars: The Poem

I know that I broke your heart,
I know I’ve betrayed your trust,
I’m asking you for a brand new start,
When I dont succumb to lust.
THe truth is, you're all I need,
I fear I have a mental illness complex
It is saturated with greed
An addiction to taboo and sex
I know i can be well
Im sure I can break the curse
Regain the glory for which I fell
Promise to you we've seen the worst.
You have saved me in many ways

I spent most of the afternoon grieving. I wish he had of sent this to me so I would have known and understood what was going on. I would have understood.

I started tutoring someone tonight so I had to pull it togther. Sitting at my desk contemplating things I thought of Natalie and how much she needs me and how much support the boys will need in the future in knowing how much they are and were loved by their dad. To natalie I said that in this life I wanted to be brave and strong so that we will have each other for whatever life throws at us, and that together we could make sure the boys grow up with plenty of love and support. She agreed that we would face things together. It helped me feel like I could go on. I spent an hour and a half with my student. We wrote letters to each other and he wrote some serious stuff to me and i feel he is deffinitly taking this seriously so I am happy that I can be of assistance and help someone else.

Ryan's brother keeps reminding me that Ryan would us to live life to the fullest. Its so hard becuase I wanted to do that with him and him alone and I tried so hard but i just could not carry us without all the correct information and rather than sharing he figurativly cut the rope on himself. I stopped by Trinas to see the boys on the ride home from the library. She said he had told someone a couple weeks ago that he was going to do it he just didnt know when.

I have to remember he was totally irrational and I cant possibly understand the mindset. I do understand the mindset but I still cant belive it.

Maybe I can sleep now. The new kitten named Gracey by Killian, Ryans youngest, is asleep by my side and its nice to have a warm little body there.