September 15th, 2016

Calm at work

Words to Myself

I have been going through old emails and messages looking for Ryan's poetry and I have run across some pretty awesome things that I said to him in the past before time and desperation lobotomized me. I was a healthy person once and hope I will be able to build back up to it and be stronger for all the horrors of the last ten years in particular because I am learning how to control my finances.

I wrote this back in 2014.

"Only you can decide what makes you sink or swim. This is all part of things we learn in life. You can't give other people the power to haunt you forever. Even if we have no self esteem god loves us and we take self worth from that. If I had to speak after becoming this upset I would have sucked it up and put my lipstick on and delivered that speech. It doesn't matter how fat I am, how thin I am, how alone I am, how rich or poor, god loves me and I will keep doing the best I can."

So at work today I had another meeting, now remember the last meeting I had they asked me if I was suicidal and was this going to affect my job performance. Mother fuckers called me in today and said, "We know you have a unique situation, but you're backsliding in your progress..." FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! The love of my life just killed himself!!!!!!!! It took everything in me to hold back vomit, so instead I sat there and quietly thought about getting another job ASAP. HMCPL does not deserve my talent and unique abilities.