October 7th, 2016

B&W in Profile

(no subject)

I am sitting at an outdoor cafe in huntsville with a coffee wondering if I could have done something different that would have kept Ryan alive for longer. I know it's of no use to think that way but I can't help it sometimes. I tried not to react to his threats after a while so as not to encourage it with a reaction and now I wish I had of shown my torment and fear every time. Then I remember Curt telling me he would cry everytime Ryan talked negatively like that and it never changed his mind about being "a curse" as he called it. I hope he knew how much I loved him, even after Shit hit the fan, I would have gotten over it and worked with him. I just have to keep reminding myself that he didn't want to, and couldn't maybe, do the work it would have taken to get better.

One of my nice bosses at work asked me genuinely how I was doing. I cried a little bit and it felt good. I told her I think we both had broken wings when out world collided. He wrote a poem about it called "falling bird" that I would like to have one of his brothers illustrate. Something I wanted him to do since I read it. I love illuminated poetry as they used to call it. Anyway, I think I had one broken wing where he had two. In the poem he did call himself "standing bird" and I was "falling bird." I had never properly grieved mother and he gave me a safe place to grieve and heal before his second wing broke totally and mine healed. I could have carried us if I had known what the load had been. I guess it goes back to my origional post about him that we need to be honest with each other to help shoulder life's burdens. I am reminded of the lyrics to pearl jam's song "black." But don't have time right now to hunt it up.

I haven't let myself slow down enough to write about my feelings and be quiet maybe since the first lj announcement about Ryan. I have just kept moving. Putting one foot in front of the other.

I wish I didn't have to go to work. My heart feels so exposed today. I just want to keep sitting on this park bench and enjoy the birds song, the light breeze and morning sunshine.