January 29th, 2018

B&W in Profile

(no subject)

The house seems at peace today. There is no reason it should, but it does. I had the door open today letting fresh air and light in to all the dark corners while I cleaned in the house alone, listening to soft singer songwriter stuff. I started with Morning Bird and was on somebody's really nice play list. Its very uplifting and relective. THis is currently playing.


I woke up and made my bed, took my vitamins, had a cup of coffee with William and went to kickboxing. Came home, showered, curled my hair and did more cleaning. The washer stopped spinning and it takes for forever to dry towels so after my guitar lesson Im going to hang out with my sstudent and use his. He has become the sun to which my planet revolves around. I currently have have 4 clients. Three of them are millioners. Not a lot people can say that. It is not a steady pay checjk and I sometimes get tired of the the hustle but in general the hustle looks good on me.

I think over all my post tramatic stress from years of pain, death, and destruction are smoothing out. Im almost scared to tempt fate like saying something like that, especially since Im on the unkown brink of chage yet again. Blake and William are divorcing. It was anti climatic and heart breakingly sad...most of my heart breaking moments involved literal dead bodies of the ones I loved, dead on the couch with blood, dead in the bed, and swinging from a rope, but they were at peace and had gone, they were beyond it. To see the moment William realized it was over, the marraige was dead and he had to keep living, tore my heart out. I tried to have childern but had miscarrage after miscarrge till I stopped one day. Just stopped. Seeing WIlliam's dream of his future die was a different pain. MAybe what a parent might feel at their childs particular hurt.

Not sure if Blake will move out, or eventually I hope they meet someone special, and then there's one. I feel completely calm and OK. I hope God still loves me. I have a guitar lesson. It feels good to be back in LJ. I will have to catch up on everything,. I had to walk away from it all. Like the old song, I cant quit you baby, but I have (had) to put you down for a while.